Deliverance

My small group discussed the Jericho story last week.

It's a pretty awesome story, to say the least. It's pretty
awesome that God asks Joshua to defeat Jericho by simply
walking around the city a bunch of times.

But the part that stood out to me the most is actually before
all this happens, when the Lord points at unconquered Jericho
and says to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands,
along with its King and fighting men." (Joshua 6: 2)

I wonder what Joshua thought. What do mean You have
delivered it into my hands? You haven't done anything yet.

God basically told Joshua to believe in victory, before He tangibly
possessed it.

God asked Joshua to look at Jericho through the eyes of faith,
to look straight at the mountain and tell it to move.

And He asked him not to dwell on the circumstances
of the Israelites situation, but only on God's power to give victory.

It makes me wonder how often we settle for defeat,
by looking at a Jericho in our lives and not expecting
it to fall. This seems silly in light of God's power and
grace. He is the deliverer in all things, and He promises
us victory.

Two weeks ago, my small group members each shared personal
strongholds, under the premise that we were going to pray
against the strongholds and believe God for victory.

One girl in my group broke down. She has been struggling
with bulimia for 7 years and goes to counseling every week.
But nothing had changed.

She told the group about 5 months ago, but said she didn't want
to talk about it.

This was the first night she really opened up.

Today, I had coffee with her, and she told me through tears
that it's been the first time in 3 years that she has gone two weeks
without forcing herself to throw up.

PRAISE GOD!

She believes that God has just begun the healing in her life
through prayer and faith.

The reminder it gave me is simple.

Let's believe that God heals. Let's not doubt His power
to free us of the deepest strongholds and deceptions.

Because He has already granted us victory, but most often,
like in all the healings that Jesus performed during his ministry,
we have to want to be well, believe that it is granted to us,
and then let God handle the rest.

We were never made for defeat. Let's not settle for it.

In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him
who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future
nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else
in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
--Romans 8

Gotta Have Faith

Okay, I think I keep saying this,
but...it just keeps feeling like it's true.

I've realized that I'm just beginning to understand
what it means to follow Jesus.

What I'm learning is that Jesus should be real and tangible
in my life, simply because He is real and because He offers
me a real experience with Him.

When He says He offers peace, that we don't need to worry,
that He always provides, that He see us as holy and blameless,
that He is mighty to save, that He works everything for our good--
He means it.

He is a God of His word.
And we can live in these truths.
"We can make our theology a reality."

I've been doing a study by Beth Moore where she says something
that really is sticking with me:

"We see little of God because we believe little."

She said with laugh: I wonder if sometimes God looks at me
like, are you talking to Me? Your prayer, your hope--are you
talking to Me?

Because we pray to Him as if He is powerless.
We have come to believe that He is powerless to change
our lives, and our day.

We pray vague prayers so that we won't be disappointed.
We also pray prayers without conviction, with a fear of how
we will feel if we don't get what we ask for.

But I know God wants to do the miraculous in our day,
and in our lives. So I want to start believing God
to be the God that redeems the most
seemingly lost and dark things of this world.

I want to remember that I'm praying to the God
that defeated death, that makes all things new, that has authority
over all earthly powers, that can soften the hardest heart.

Lately, I've been reading the miracles Christ performed.
And when He performed them, He often did so according
to the person's faith.

"Your faith has made you well."

The only thing to conclude from this is that He often
acts according to our faith.

It is also evident that at times the disciples don't see
God's power because they don't believe.

When the disciples failed to cast out a demon in a boy,
they asked Jesus: "Why could we not drive it out?"

And Jesus replied, "Because you have so little faith.
I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a
mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move
from here to there' and it will move.
Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17)

Seriously. How cool is that?!
"Nothing will be impossible for you."

And the truth of this passage is that God granted
the disciples the power to cast out the demon.
They simply did not have the faith to do it.

I really don't what to miss out on what God can do
simply because I don't have the faith.

So my constant prayer lately has been: "Lord, I believe.
Help me overcome my unbelief." --Mark 9:24

I'm learning to pray with conviction. If God doesn't move
according to my faith, He is still God. He is still faithful.
And His thoughts and ways are always higher, deeper,
and more wonderful than mine.

I will rest in the fact that I know who He is,
and in the knowledge that even though I won't receive everything
I believe for, it wasn't because of a lack of faith.

In honesty, I only sort of know what I'm doing, and I'm counting
on Him to teach me. But I'm convinced that He gives more
when we believe for more. He is pleased with our faith.

"Without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He is,
and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him."
--Hebrews 11:6

"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead,
lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,
He will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you."
--Romans 8:11

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you,
ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.
This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit,
showing yourselves to be my disciples."
--John 15:7-8

Happy 30th Anniversary! (A Day Late...)

One of my older poetry professors commented recently
that there are only three real topics worth writing about:
love, death, and God.

Then he said with a smirk, "good luck with your generation."
"Your generation doesn't believe in love."

But I have to say that at least in my case, he is wrong.
I definitely believe in love, and I know that this is
significantly because I have witnessed my parents
grow deeper in love with each other as the years pass.

I am extremely blessed to have parents
who love each other so deeply,
and who made the house I grew up in
such a wonderful place to live.

These verses remind me of the both of you
because you are people who demonstrate love
to each other and all those around you every day.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful parents!
And praying for many more!

"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."
-- John 4:7

"Let us not love in word or tongue but with action and in truth."
--I John 3: 18

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
--I Peter 4:8

Just Truth, not Truthiness

My first memory of someone lying to me
happened in the first grade.

A girl told me that if I let her cut in line,
she would bring me a candy bar the next day.

This seemed like a REALLY good deal.
So, I let her in.

And you guessed it--I never got that candy bar.

I can still remember the first time I lied.
I have since apologized to my brother Corey for this,
but he must have been only two-years old
when I tripped him.

When my mom came upstairs because Corey
was crying, I told her that he tripped...
over a rug.

A pretty clever six-year old, wasn't I? :)

But I can't say I gloated in my own cleverness
because I can still feel the shame that came with telling a lie.
It followed me, so much so that it stands out against
the millions of other childhood memories I can't remember.

In that moment, I knew I was evil.
I knew it was wrong to protect myself while hurting someone else.

Everyone reading this knows that these two liars were wrong.
Because these stories reveal simple, selfish, and self-protecting lies.

But I have been thinking about "adult lies" lately,
and how they are no longer this simple.

We don't lie maliciously, right?

We use words like "miscommunication" and "misunderstanding."
It's just to "protect" the other person, to "avoid" hurting feelings.
And we don't lie per se, we just hold some truths back.

When the lie is meant to protect ourselves, it's because the truth
terrifies us. It's because we are afraid of being judged
based upon the truth.

But I have to admit, I have been swimming in a lake that reeks
of dead fish, of miscommunications and hidden truths
that I am sure have good intentions at their core.

I have also seen some women in my small group living in lies.
They've carried around sin silently, then started drowning
in shame, because they can't stand the thought of being judged.
And because they themselves have begun to believe lies.

Either way, it's awful. And damaging.

Because if truth always brings life,
then a lie must always bring death.

And it has reminded to be truthful--all the time,
even when it's hard, because it matters.

I mean, why would I withhold truth from anyone?

Well, I know why. Because it's not easy.
Because for truth to have power, it must be accompanied by
not only humility and courage but also sincere love.

Yet, with these things, truth has so much power.
It transforms us and frees us, even when painful.

I want to be really truthful. And really loving.
I want to be a person who makes people feel that they can
speak the truth to me. Because I can handle it, because
I won't judge them, and because I can accept truth with grace.

"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
--John 8:32

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow
up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."
--Ephesians 4:15

"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak
truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
--Ephesians 4

More Than a Feeling

Following Jesus requires much more than a reliance on feelings.

I have been thinking about this because
of the criticism that "kids these days" get
for needing to feel God in order to follow Him.
"Such an experiential generation."

I heard this often when I taught at a Christian school.

And I do think it's at least a somewhat valid concern.
But it would be prideful for me to look down upon anyone
on this particular issue. Because....I am not much different.

No, I don't need to feel.
I have known God long enough to know that even when I don't feel,
He exists and moves on my behalf. He never changes.

But still, when I open my Bible, listen to worship music,
or begin to pray, I desire for Jesus to show up--

to be real and tangible in my life.

But sometimes, (or many times) I walk away from reading
my Bible not only unsure of what I read but also unmoved.

Yet, I have to say that the more I grow in my faith,
the more I feel Jesus' presence in my life.

Even in my most sinful moments,
I can see His eyes looking into mine--
with all kindness and love.

In these moments, I imagine that Jesus' face towards me
looks similar to how He looked at Peter. After Peter,
one of Jesus' closest disciples, denies him three times
and the rooster crows,

"the Lord turned and looked straight at him."

And even though Luke doesn't tell us what Jesus' face
looked like--I imagine Jesus' eyes soft with immense
forgiveness and grace.

I have to say that this Jesus follows me everywhere.
And even in the painful moments or the hard things,
I can sense His light shining upon me,
as His hand holds my heart together.

It's beautiful.

The more I know Him-the more I understand
that His affection for me is deeply intimate and personal,
completely undeserved.

His compassion keeps my heart from going numb
and awakens my soul.

I hope I never stop feeling.

Who says people aren't friendly in big cities?

I love Mac computers.

I won't lie.

And recently, I purchased a new one, since,
someone stole my other one. (KINDA rude.)

In order to get it, I went to the flashy Apple store
in downtown Chicago in order to cash in on the student
deal that gave me a free ipod touch with my new macbook.

But I made a rather big mistake.

I went to the Apple store the same day the new iphone came out.
And a crowd of people (mostly men) were lined up
outside the store, moving at a pace of about one foot per hour.

As I looked at the Macbooks near the all-glass
front of the store, with one of the Apple employees,
I gained a small appreciation for how a fish feels. The crowd
of iphone hopefuls just stood there, peering at us through
the window. They really had nothing better to do.

And then one guy, who must have been at least forty,
started making funny faces at me to try to get me to laugh.
Which worked, of course, because I always laugh when I feel
awkward.

But I ignored it to the best of my ability,
so that the Apple employee, who had his back to this guy,
didn't think I was smiling/laughing weirdly at him.

When I finally walked out of the store with my new purchase,
the people in line saw me, and one man shouted,

"Hey!!! Congrats on the new Macbook!!"

Uproar.

Almost the whole crowd cheered.
One or two people even raised their hands in the air.
And I definitely saw at least one fist pump.

Uhhhhhh.

I smiled, then let out a slightly-too-quiet-
not-to-be-awkward, "Woo-hoo!"
And then I wished them luck with the new iphone.

To say the least, it was amusing. And perhaps a little frightening.

I decided that If I ever see a really cheesy Apple commercial,
where crowds of people cheer outside of Apple stores
for complete strangers who recently bought a new Macbook,
I will think...

That's realistic.

That actually happens.

I mean, it's just another day in friendly Chicago.

Disappointment

Is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Especially when the thing you are hoping for
seems like a good thing. Or a God thing.

And disappointment makes it really easy to question, and doubt,
and wonder why--why the paths to these good things
aren't cleared for us.

We know God has the power to clear the path,
so why doesn't He?

Why, Jesus, won't you make the path to righteousness,
the path to our futures,
clear and easy?

That seems beneficial.
Maybe then we couldn't mess it up.
Or "waste so much time."

So, I (I will only speak for myself here) plead with Him
to make it easy. "For His sake," (which is what I say in my prayers)
but so much of it is for my sake.

Recently, I read a book that described the Pastor of a church
in India. He felt called to a particular village.

But for 10 years, not a single person came to Christ.
His life was threatened numerous times.
And corruption, violence, and godlessness reigned.

I can only imagine that he must have wondered:
God, why did you send me here?
And isn't it in "Your best interest" to bring these people
to Christ?

But despite frustration,
he waited. And waited.
And stayed.

Today, a church flourishes there.
In what was one of the darkest places.

In the Bible, David hid from Saul and the threat of death.
For at least eight years, David prayed for deliverance.
And it did not come.

But eventually, he became King.
And the man "after God's own heart."

These men learned about waiting.
And they learned that change was nothing
of themselves. It was always of God.

And when I think about these two men,
I am reminded that God requires much his followers.
And character is not formed by cleared, easy paths.

It is apparent to me that I must understand my own weakness,
and the reality of the deep-seated, earthly barriers trying
to keep Christ out.

Because only then can I even begin to grasp
God's power to change circumstances,
and the need for dependence upon Him.

Psalm 27:
"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!"

AquaVida (www.aquavida.org)

As many of you know, I attend DePaul University
with the purpose of (one day) graduating with my
master's in writing and publishing.

It's been...great, for the most part. A definite blessing.

And recently, I was given the opportunity to work with a
nonprofit organization called AquaVida. I am doing some
of their writing/editing, and I am excited because this
organization works towards global justice.

Jason Gonzales, who goes to my church, started AquaVida.
The organization's main goal is to bring clean water to those
that need it; and in April, a group of five men went to Patna,
India to drill a fresh-water well in the impoverished village.

Statistically speaking, 3.575 million people die
from water-related diseases each year. And most of these people
are children under the age of fourteen.

In sum, 884 million people in the world
do not have access to clean water.

It's a staggering injustice.





(Pictures by Ivan Lo: www.ivanlo.info)

And since India is a Hindu nation with a caste system,
the government's attitude towards the poor is generally
callous and uncharitable.

According to Hindu belief, the poor deserve to be poor because
of their actions in a past life. So the government does not
provide fresh water for many of the impoverished villages: the few
wells the government drilled for this particular village were
constructed improperly and dried up.

Because of the lack of fresh water and education, these villagers
are forced to drink from waste water, which leads to
potentially fatal diseases like malaria and diarrhea.




There is a great need in this village and many others like it.
And Aquavida's team went to India not only to drill a well
but also to show local mechanics how to drill effectively.
Since the Aquavida team returned to the US, three more wells
have been drilled and six have been earmarked.



Ever since I became a part of this organization,
God has really impressed two main things on my heart.

The first thing: God's decision to use his people to redeem injustice.

Proverbs 31:8-9
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."

2 Corinthians 2:14
"Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere,
like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God."

That's a big responsibility.
And completely humbling.

It's even more humbling to realize that every injustice
in the world really serves as an opportunity for Christians
to show that Jesus cares about the suffering,
and desires to redeem it.

The second thing: Why am I so easily dissuaded from believing in big things?

Jason started this organization by using his skills/knowledge as
an entrepreneur. And each member of the Aquavida's team
contributed his own unique gifts: photography, engineering,
leadership, etc.

I have been reminded that each gift God gives us is meant to
be used. In small ways, but also in big ways, if we let Him.

And I have felt renewed in hope--
because God is moving amidst the suffering around us.







"And Jesus, sitting on the throne said,
'Look, I am making everything new!
I am the Alpha and the Omega--
the beginning and the end. To all who are thirsty,
I will give freely from the springs
of the water of life."
--Revelation 21:5-6

Blessed

Since I was robbed on Wednesday,
(What?! Still feels weird to say that)

I have been really blessed by God

through some wonderful people in my life.

It is easy for me to forget

that we all have the power within us

to show God's care and grace to the world,

and to our friends and family.

But I have been reminded this week

because I have known God's love and provision--

in mighty ways--through generous and self-less people.

You know who you are. And I am really grateful.

Bye Bye Stuff

Three weeks ago, I noticed that my GPS
was taken from my car.
I keep it in my glove compartment
and I don't know when it happened,
but it's gone.

Last night, someone got into our apartment
and stole Lisa's computer and my recently
purchased Mac.

I lost almost all of my writing.
And my photos. And some music.

This morning I woke up and realized that they
also stole my ipod.

And I just cried...again.

I know in my head that these things are just things--
but I feel so violated. And I loved those things,
especially my computer.

And with what has happened recently,
I can't help but think back.
Four weeks ago, I was probably more joyful
than I have ever been.

God spoke to me in really powerful ways.

It was one of those moments when God
stops you in your tracks. And pours His love
upon you...just because. And you think
to yourself that this is all you would ever need.
Because nothing is better than the love
and freedom I experienced in Jesus those couple weeks.

But since then, I have been tested.

One class I took this quarter is probably
the hardest class I have ever taken.
And it's been frustrating at times, draining,
and time-consuming.

My relationships with a couple of my friends
have also been tested recently.

And...to be obvious, my stuff keeps getting stolen,
while I am not making any money.

It has just been one of those times when
I have felt bogged down with details and tasks.
I have been frantically trying to check the next
thing off my list--and I have felt immersed in
things I don't particularly enjoy.

It's amazing how easily I forget the big picture
and lose sight of what I know is true.

And I have been tempted to worry.
It seems as if Jesus has asked me the question,
are you really content in Me?
And will you still "fix your eyes upon me"
through this?

And I realized that so often I want Jesus and...
that. Or this. I just want, want, want.

But what I really want is to walk through these
situations filled with grace. I want to honor
Jesus with my actions and faith, despite emotions.

And I don't want to be filled with anger,
or self-entitlement, or vengeful feelings.
Not towards anyone, and not towards whoever it is
that stole my stuff.

I am praying really hard. Because what kind of faith
do I have if I can't hold on to God's goodness
through all things? If I can't believe that He
is working every circumstance for my good?

These verses have been on my heart, over and over.

Romans 5:3-5~We can rejoice, too, when we run
into problems and trials, for we know that they
help us develop endurance. And endurance develops
strength of character, and character strengthens
our confident hope of salvation. And this hope
will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly
God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit
to fill our hearts with His love."

Phil 4: 11-13~For I have learned to be content with
whatever I have. I have learned the secret of living
in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach
or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything
through Christ who gives me strength."

These verses are where I want my heart to be.
I don't want to whine when trouble comes my way.
I want to learn to be content.

And I really want endurance.
And if these recent situations teach me endurance (And I
pray they do, more than anything else),
I accept it. And I even want it.

I am not going to say that is has been easy.
Or that I have been filled with grace throughout
all of this.

Because that would be lying.
And I try not to do that. :)

But I know that God's goodness always follows me.
And He already has provided in this situation
in so many ways.

And I am thankful for all the friends and family
that have been really supportive, prayerful,
and encouraging through all this.

Really thankful.

Kristin, Please Remember (Note to Self)

Your burdens are small.

And your God is big.

What--a new blog?!

Last night

all I wanted to do was write a new blog.

Is this a normal urge for me?

I would like to say yes, but I don't think I can claim that,
since I haven’t posted in months.

And despite the long hiatus,
all I wanted to do last night was write a blog.

So of course,
the blog site was…

yep.

“Temporarily out of service.”

“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
(quite possibly the most aggravating combination
of words known to man)

But today, when I finally had a chance to sit down and write,
with the blog site up and running again,
and my heart eager to share something new,

I just stared at the blank screen.

I forgot.

I forgot what I was going to write about.

And so my had-potential-for-real-insight blog...

turned into this.

GAH

"It was hard to say when exactly winter arrived.
The decline was gradual, like that of a person into old age,
inconspicuous from day to day until the season became an
established, relentless reality. First came a dip in evening
temperatures, then days of continuous rain, confused gusts
of wind, dampness, the fall leaves and the changing of the
clocks--though there were the occasional moments of reprieve,
mornings when one could leave the house without a coat and the
sky was cloudless and bright.

But they were like false signs of recovery in a patient upon whom
death has already passed its sentence. By now the new season is
entrenched, and the city covered by an ominous steel-grey sky......"
~JK Huysmans

Sooo.....I went running outside on Tuesday.

And then on wednesday, I joined a gym.

Prayer

Jesus,

Show me how to let go of my need for perfection.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Allow me to dwell in grace.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Therefore,
do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of slavery."

Show me how to get rid of judgment and malice towards others.
"Let us love one another, for love is from God,
and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."

Show me how to let go of worry and doubt.
"In Me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world."

Teach me how let go of the things I cannot understand.
"surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

Help me let go of my pride.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God...made himself nothing..."

Move my heart to prayer.
"the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Help me rest in the knowledge that You are enough.
"Your grace is sufficient for me."

Remind me of what is true.
You are "the way, the truth, the life."

Show me how to put my beliefs into action.
"Then Peter got out of the boat, walked on water,
and came toward Jesus."

Fill me with love and compassion for those in need.
"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least
of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Help me not to focus on outward beauty or material possessions.
"Beauty fades, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Grant me joy in You alone.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Reveal more to me about who You are.
"Behold, the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world!"

Help me have confidence in who You have made me to be.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Help me be strong.
"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power,
of love and of self-discipline."

Give me the strength to be bold.
"I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power
of God unto salvation--to every one that believes."

Do not let the sin and brokenness of the world overcome me.
"I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

Guide me to truth in every situation.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives
generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Increase my desire to be transformed.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
point out anything in me that offends you
and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Teach me to accept difficulty.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses,
insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Allow me to trust Your goodness.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love...
for you have seen my troubles,
but You have set me in a safe place."

Move my heart to be in awe of Your greatness.
"Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight of the earth
or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth."

Even though I will struggle many times with these things,
help me to listen to Your voice.
"Take heart, my child. Your sins are forgiven...."

The World Created

A lot of people look at the world and can't really believe in God.
I have heard it a million times again.
"If God existed, there wouldn't be this or that."
And I understand why that would be.

Because when I look at the world, I see only an echo of God
in the midst of a lot of injustice and suffering.

After all, shouldn't God be like the world He created?

I mean, don't we all believe that the art reflects the artist?

I don't know much about art, but I know that I can look
at Starry Night and understand a bit about Van Gogh.
And the way he saw the sky.

And it's funny, because as an English major,
we were always taught that we can't assume that an
author writes about stuff from his or her own life.

And we were always taught that we can't even assume
that the author completely believes in the message
he or she gives in the writing.

But doesn't that seem problematic?
Who writes of things they don't believe in?

So in truth, I don't think anybody really follows it that well.
Even though it's against the rules, every person judges the artist
based upon the art. And most everyone thinks that it is possible
to understand the artist and the values kept by this person,
based upon......the art.

So then...it seems obvious and natural that people
would judge God, the artist, on His art: the world.

And the world is not that pretty anymore, to say the least.
And therefore, it must mean that the Creator God,
at least in part, is a little bit like the distorted
world He created.

It must mean that maybe God
isn't that pretty...or that good. Right?

Confession: I think there are days when I hold a view
of God based upon things I see in the world.

"Ya know, He could have done something about THAT."
Don't you think? He could have done something
about DARFUR, or Hurricane Katrina, or.....

But the reality is--He didn't create this world.
He didn't create suffering and sin for us.
He created the Garden of Eden.

And we all know this is no Garden of Eden.

And so all we see in this world is an echo, or a shadow,
or mere pieces of the artist.

But I still find it easy, at times, to blame the original artist.
For the world I created. For the world my sin permeates.

It's as if I take Starry Night off the wall--smear red paint
all over it, throw it, tear it to pieces,
and then looked back in disdain at Van Gogh himself,
blaming him for the ruined art. Not exactly my finest moment.

But I do that. And simply because in my mind,
Van Gogh had a chance to stop me, or whoever
else was going to try to ruin his art.

And I want to place the blame on someone else. anyone else.
So I choose to forget my own responsibility.
I choose to forget that I took part in damaging the art.

I have to admit that I really wish that this world
reflected it's Creator better.
Because He is a worthy and beautiful artist.
And I think He gets a lot of blame for the
world as it currently is.

I really wish it wasn't such a barrier,
and I wish we could clearly see His work as it was intended.

But I know that without Jesus, the One who is good and loving
and just, the world we created is hopeless.

And without Him, we have no hope to change it, to redeem it,
and live in peace within it.

But currently, when we work to redeem it, to set it right, to bring
Christ's love into the world we created--we are really working
to restore Eden, to restore our fellowship with God,
and to allow others to see the world, at least in part,
as God intended it.

And when we are like Christ, we are showing people God's art
as it was intended. And we are helping them understand the
Artist in a world that doesn't do that very well anymore.

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
~Ephesians 2:10

Poetry Class

Here is a sample from what I wrote in my "Writing Poetry" class:

The first one I actually adapted from a blog entry and it is a
Mary Oliver imitation. (of her style):

To My Student Sitting in the First Row:

If the future of America
rests upon you,
lets just say I’m worried;
you make me
believe people
can’t change
can’t soften
and for that I can
scarcely look at you.
I stand;
I tell you of beautiful things:
Martin Jr.’s Dream,
Frost’s less traveled road,
Harper’s defense of the weak,
but I feel your icy breath
stinging my words
drowning their meaning
as you mutter contradictions,
arguments, war.
You sit there
brooding, shoulders stiff
eyes cold, heart deaf,
mind impenetrable
like a fortress.
I am ashamed to admit
you move me somehow…
to restlessness
to anger
because when I go home,
I’ll think about you:
my loftiness broken,
doubts encircling,
mind wondering
if tomorrow
could bring
something different
something stronger
something renewed.

An English Teacher’s Hope

I show you poetry:
words of wonder, and wish
so that maybe you
will recognize beauty:
I read you Frost,
bringing you the birches,
where you can climb
“toward heaven til the tree
can bear no more.”
I read you Keats so you can be
“among the river sallows, borne aloft,”
“a close-bosom friend
of the maturing sun.”

I show you what is ugly
in the words and lines
so that maybe you
will need change:
I read you Langston,
so you can understand--
“I am the darker brother
they send me to eat in the kitchen,
But I laugh
And eat well
And grow strong.”
I read you Blake
so you can hear
“every cry of every Man,
In every Infants cry fear.”

I show you what love is
in the imagery and rhymes
so that maybe you
will believe in love:
I read you Elizabeth
so you can feel one who loves
“to depth and breadth and height”
one who “loves freely, purely.”
I read you Wilcox
so that maybe you
will remember, “love much.
Earth has enough bitter in it. No heart
so hard, but love at last may win it.
Love is the great primeaval cause of man.”

This next one is a Pantoum, which means
that specific lines have to repeated in very
specific places....

Your Love

Your love raises the sun anew.
I don’t ask, but you go with me,
for if we are together, happiness revives;
even a foreign place is home.

I don’t ask, but you go with me;
I am Naomi, and you, my Ruth.
Even a foreign place is home
where we survive, abide, provide.

I am Naomi, and you, my Ruth.
You follow me to joy or mourning
where we survive, abide, provide.
You, like a star, wane my darkness.

You follow me to joy or mourning,
for if we are together, happiness revives.
You, like a star, wane my darkness.
Your love raises the sun anew.

Thanksgiving 2009

Confession:

Thanksgiving usually passes by and I am not THAT thankful.

I am usually about as thankful on Thanksgiving as I have been
the rest of the year--which generally consists of an average dose
of gratutide and a lot of taking things for granted.

But this past year was different than most years. I did not plod
along like my usual happy-go-lucky, eternally optimistic self.

This past year was difficult..up until the end of this past summer.

But now, I can actually say that I am happy.

And yes--it is partially because I live in the beautiful city
of Chicago with some great friends/family. Not to mention
I have always been a little nerdy and love school...

but that is not really why.
I am thankful because I am different this year.

Last year and partially noted by some of my blog entires,
I went through some tumultuous decisions and events.

Looking back, I think I tried to listen to God,
and I had my moments, but in reality, I don't think I did it very well.

I was in consistent storms of the unknown, the hurtful,
and the lack of direction or true comfort--and to be honest,
I can't remember a lower spiritual time in my life.

I just didn't believe in God's goodness towards me at all times--
and I became overwhelmed with my belief
in His disappointment in me. And my circumstances surrounding
these thoughts only deepened the difficulty.
It's not that I didn't know, intellectually, about God's goodness.
I just couldn't seem to really believe it in my heart.

But instead of making it right, I chose to distance myself.
And then when I would cry out for comfort,
in only the truly heinous moments,
I felt God's silence.
And it made me angry.

I can still remember one night when I was alone
in my apartment, and I was praying in bed--sort of.
Before i knew it--it turned into anger, and I started
shouting (literally) at God and crying.

And He let me.
But I still felt His silence.

I am glad I am not in that place anymore,
but I can honestly say that I am glad I was in that place.

I think that it is so true that without darkness,
we cannot understand light.

I am thankful because after my searching and all that anger,
God STILL showed up in my life.
He spoke to me in powerful, clear ways
when the timing was right and when I was ready to listen.

He spoke to me in ways that I could never even explain in this blog.
He set me free from the burden of my brokenness.
He showered His love upon me at the time when I
"least deserved it."

And I know Him better now.
I understand His love more.
And I am more joyful for it.
And I think I can love others better because of it.

And thats why I am thankful this year...

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are."

Bryan: Voted Most Popular

So, out of complete boredom one night I went on the
most popular names website. Quite informative, really.
It gives you the top 1000 most popular names from
2000-2008.

So, family, here we are--in the order of coolness:

1. Bryan--rank: 82~you must be a classic. You have barely
decreased in popularity from 2000 (from 70), which is no
small feat, especially when you see some of the others.

2. Michelle--rank : 103. You are Bryan's fiercest competitor,
yet come up short. (this is not a joke about your height) :)
You, however, have decreased from 52, and are becoming
more uncool at a faster rate than Bryan. In the end though,
second place is more than respectable.

3. Corey--rank: 289. Not completely embarrassing--really quite
solid. However, you are depreciating in coolness
similarly to Michelle. But since you are younger, you
will be way less cool than her at her age. statistically
speaking, of course.

4. Arthur--rank: 386. This is the shocker!! I mean, seriously, has
anyone heard of someone naming their kid Arthur
recently? Because apparently, a lot of people are. :)
And "Tom" doesn't even make the list, sadly. But dad--
your name is surprisingly MUCH cooler than mine.

5. Kristin--rank: 883. Thats just embarrassing. My only defense is
that "Kristen" with an e still ranks at 492, but lets
be honest, thats still not even remotely cool. I also
was wayyyy cooler in 2000. (rank 301) yikes.

6. Terri---rank: unknown. Sadly, dear mother, you are off the
coolness chart, but I am sure you are....1001--
I am sure of it!

Poetry Woes

In my writing poetry class, I have written 9 poems
so far that have had to be turned in.

Of the nine poems, only one could be considered
light-hearted, happy, or humorous.

Another one could maybe be considered humorous,
but probably not light-hearted.

That means that 77.7% of my major poems
so far have been about....sad things.
sad situations, or people...
some personal, some fictional.

But seriously....I think I am beginning to understand
the stereotype of poets wearing all black.

And as far as my non-poem life goes....

I generally feel pretty great about it.

Justice

I can't sleep tonight.

It's one of those nights where thoughts whirl and twirl
in my head until I don't know where one thought
began how it ended up where it did.

Writing is my therapy for such nights.

And so, I will share with you the better thoughts.
The blog worthy thoughts, perhaps.

On Sunday, my pastor shared a sermon based on
I Peter 3: 8-11. There were a lot of good things
that he said, but the thing that stuck out to me the
most had to do with these verses:

"If you want to enjoy life,
an see many happy days,
keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from tell lies
Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace and work to maintain it."

The pastor described justice to me as I have never
heard it before.

Justice means that every person has the right to
good days.

That is all. It seems so simple.

After all, what did I want today? I wanted it to be a good day.

What do I want for my family and my friends?
I want them to have good days.

And yet, somehow, I think that it is easy
to convince myself that maybe I deserve
good days--and maybe I deserve them
more than other people.

After all, maybe certain people
have done something to deserve bad days.
It is mostly a subconscious thought, but sometimes
even a conscious one.

The man on the street must have done
something to deserve where he is.

Maybe in the name of karma, or choice, or sin.

I don't think this is what Jesus thought.
I don't think thats what Jesus currently thinks.
I think Jesus was fiercely filled with love and compassion
for these people. And sadness at their brokenness.

Today, I ran along the path by Lake Michigan. It was beautiful.
It was breath-taking.

The sun was shining, and as the sun was going down, pink
and purple laced the skyline of Chicago.

It's was easy for me to look at the beautiful skyline and walk into
my pretty grad classroom and then my Lincoln Park apartment.

It's better, after all, than looking closely at the city--
looking at the poverty, the exploitation, the hatred and racism,
the domestic violence and substance abuse: in other words,
the bad days of people all around me.

My pastor went on the tell us that we are to bearers of peace:
"seek peace and work to maintain it."

We are the bringers of peace. Bringers of love--and truth--
and justice--the message of hope, not judgment into the world.

To the "least of these", especially, I think--
even though it is to everyone.

It's funny, though, because I know that I am
given peace from God, but a lot of times
I don't even feel it within myself.
So how do I give it to others?

But I still wonder,
who am I bringing peace to in this city? If I look at it
closely, who am I seeking peace for?

I am not sure that it is anyone just yet.

But I am praying about it.