This I Believe...

If there is one thing that I believe will inevitably come, it is rain. But not the refreshing, promised rain that comes after a hopeless drought, or the warm drizzle that provides escape from the blistering summer sun.

I believe in the kind of rain that is inevitably there during the sinister, horrifying scene in the latest scary movie. The kind of rain that darkens the soul, creating a sense of hopelessness that cannot be shaken. The kind of rain that penetrates your very being without permission, without warning, and seems to cast a shadow over every joy.

I believe that this world is full of rain: Poverty, Hate, Racism, Suicide, Murder, War, Adultery, Broken families, Death, Selfishness, Slander, Abuse, Betrayal.

I wish that I could see the rain, and never touch it. I fear the unexpected...because there are always going to be days when the world that is full of rain becomes your own.

I remember the day that we got the call that my aunt had one of the worst kinds of cancer. I remember shouting at my mom, to tell me what was wrong, as she cried while speaking in a tremored, anxious voice on the phone. Looking back, I can still feel the rain fall.

I remember the day when I failed. I got cut from the team. Unfairly cut, without warning, without explanation. Just cut. The rain made me wince in shame.

I remember the day she died. I remember the walls closing in, the water streaming from the eyes of my family. The same rain still falls sometimes.

I also know that tomorrow will bring rain. I can try to fight it, but I know that I have no control over the weather. It simply falls.

I would like to say that I don’t fear the rain. That I believe in a good God who shelters me from rain, who keeps me from the world that darkens the soul. But the truth is, I do fear the rain sometimes. In quiet moments. In solitude. In a crowded room. I fear the rain.

Yet, it would be a lie to say that the rain controls me. In my best moments, when I look upon His face, I do not fear the rain.

When I look back at the phone call about my aunt, I am surrounded by memories of the hope of my family, the hugs that we gave, the way we loved each other, the way we trusted God with the future, and the way we prayed with expectancy and fervor. It sounds cliché, but I believe that there is always a rainbow after..or even during rain.

I got cut. I learned humility. I learned that there were other things I could be doing with my time. I learned that being good at something does not make me worthwhile and being bad at something does not make me worthless. It hurt, but the rainbow still came.

She died and she’s in a better place. Her life, full of Christ’s love, still influences my being on this earth. Makes me stronger, better. Makes me long to see her again. The rain slowly fades away…

I have made a promise to myself that I will never only see the rain. It will be there, I know, a million times more before God allows me to leave this place. I promise that even when I can't see the rainbow in the distance, I will not stare only at the rain. I will not stand in it. I will not let it overwhelm me.

I am too blessed and I serve a God that is too good, that is too loving, that is too gracious, to allow myself to be consumed by rain. The world is still in poverty, consumed with hate and selfishness, filled with hunger and broken families; But I believe that in Him, there is hope, there is healing, there is satisfaction, and there is love. In Him, there is a future that need not be feared. In Him, I always find a rainbow awaiting me.