Ah Sentiment

When I allow myself, I can be entirely sentimental.

But lately--I have attempted to be...callous and apathetic
about all the changes and difficulties.

I have tried to "let everything roll of my shoulder."

I have told myself that "I don't care."

I am forging ahead!

I am strong and impenetrable!

Ah, the lies I tell myself....

My world has been chaotic lately--
Bible studies, church softball,
soccer, a million papers to grade, lessons to plan,
friends and family,
books to read, errands to run, things to plan,
and the list....goes on.

I have thrown myself into a world where I can give myself
permission to be callous.

I haven't stopped lately to think.
I haven't allowed myself to be
emotional or sad or reflective.

I just live.

In the busiest way possible.
In the name of productivity and accomplishment.

Tonight--I read the names off for the seniors at graduation.
I was a little nervous, but as usual, once I got going--
it went fine.
And my nerves dissipated.

But tonight, as a I watched all these students I love walk by--
it was then that it hit me....

I am not coming back next year.
I am not going to be their teacher.
I am not going to get hugs or
take pictures with them at the end of the year.

And for the first time in awhile--I got sentimental.

I am going to miss it.