GAH

"It was hard to say when exactly winter arrived.
The decline was gradual, like that of a person into old age,
inconspicuous from day to day until the season became an
established, relentless reality. First came a dip in evening
temperatures, then days of continuous rain, confused gusts
of wind, dampness, the fall leaves and the changing of the
clocks--though there were the occasional moments of reprieve,
mornings when one could leave the house without a coat and the
sky was cloudless and bright.

But they were like false signs of recovery in a patient upon whom
death has already passed its sentence. By now the new season is
entrenched, and the city covered by an ominous steel-grey sky......"
~JK Huysmans

Sooo.....I went running outside on Tuesday.

And then on wednesday, I joined a gym.

Prayer

Jesus,

Show me how to let go of my need for perfection.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Allow me to dwell in grace.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Therefore,
do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of slavery."

Show me how to get rid of judgment and malice towards others.
"Let us love one another, for love is from God,
and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."

Show me how to let go of worry and doubt.
"In Me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world."

Teach me how let go of the things I cannot understand.
"surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

Help me let go of my pride.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God...made himself nothing..."

Move my heart to prayer.
"the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Help me rest in the knowledge that You are enough.
"Your grace is sufficient for me."

Remind me of what is true.
You are "the way, the truth, the life."

Show me how to put my beliefs into action.
"Then Peter got out of the boat, walked on water,
and came toward Jesus."

Fill me with love and compassion for those in need.
"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least
of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Help me not to focus on outward beauty or material possessions.
"Beauty fades, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Grant me joy in You alone.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Reveal more to me about who You are.
"Behold, the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world!"

Help me have confidence in who You have made me to be.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Help me be strong.
"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power,
of love and of self-discipline."

Give me the strength to be bold.
"I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power
of God unto salvation--to every one that believes."

Do not let the sin and brokenness of the world overcome me.
"I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

Guide me to truth in every situation.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives
generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Increase my desire to be transformed.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
point out anything in me that offends you
and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Teach me to accept difficulty.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses,
insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Allow me to trust Your goodness.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love...
for you have seen my troubles,
but You have set me in a safe place."

Move my heart to be in awe of Your greatness.
"Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight of the earth
or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth."

Even though I will struggle many times with these things,
help me to listen to Your voice.
"Take heart, my child. Your sins are forgiven...."

The World Created

A lot of people look at the world and can't really believe in God.
I have heard it a million times again.
"If God existed, there wouldn't be this or that."
And I understand why that would be.

Because when I look at the world, I see only an echo of God
in the midst of a lot of injustice and suffering.

After all, shouldn't God be like the world He created?

I mean, don't we all believe that the art reflects the artist?

I don't know much about art, but I know that I can look
at Starry Night and understand a bit about Van Gogh.
And the way he saw the sky.

And it's funny, because as an English major,
we were always taught that we can't assume that an
author writes about stuff from his or her own life.

And we were always taught that we can't even assume
that the author completely believes in the message
he or she gives in the writing.

But doesn't that seem problematic?
Who writes of things they don't believe in?

So in truth, I don't think anybody really follows it that well.
Even though it's against the rules, every person judges the artist
based upon the art. And most everyone thinks that it is possible
to understand the artist and the values kept by this person,
based upon......the art.

So then...it seems obvious and natural that people
would judge God, the artist, on His art: the world.

And the world is not that pretty anymore, to say the least.
And therefore, it must mean that the Creator God,
at least in part, is a little bit like the distorted
world He created.

It must mean that maybe God
isn't that pretty...or that good. Right?

Confession: I think there are days when I hold a view
of God based upon things I see in the world.

"Ya know, He could have done something about THAT."
Don't you think? He could have done something
about DARFUR, or Hurricane Katrina, or.....

But the reality is--He didn't create this world.
He didn't create suffering and sin for us.
He created the Garden of Eden.

And we all know this is no Garden of Eden.

And so all we see in this world is an echo, or a shadow,
or mere pieces of the artist.

But I still find it easy, at times, to blame the original artist.
For the world I created. For the world my sin permeates.

It's as if I take Starry Night off the wall--smear red paint
all over it, throw it, tear it to pieces,
and then looked back in disdain at Van Gogh himself,
blaming him for the ruined art. Not exactly my finest moment.

But I do that. And simply because in my mind,
Van Gogh had a chance to stop me, or whoever
else was going to try to ruin his art.

And I want to place the blame on someone else. anyone else.
So I choose to forget my own responsibility.
I choose to forget that I took part in damaging the art.

I have to admit that I really wish that this world
reflected it's Creator better.
Because He is a worthy and beautiful artist.
And I think He gets a lot of blame for the
world as it currently is.

I really wish it wasn't such a barrier,
and I wish we could clearly see His work as it was intended.

But I know that without Jesus, the One who is good and loving
and just, the world we created is hopeless.

And without Him, we have no hope to change it, to redeem it,
and live in peace within it.

But currently, when we work to redeem it, to set it right, to bring
Christ's love into the world we created--we are really working
to restore Eden, to restore our fellowship with God,
and to allow others to see the world, at least in part,
as God intended it.

And when we are like Christ, we are showing people God's art
as it was intended. And we are helping them understand the
Artist in a world that doesn't do that very well anymore.

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
~Ephesians 2:10

Poetry Class

Here is a sample from what I wrote in my "Writing Poetry" class:

The first one I actually adapted from a blog entry and it is a
Mary Oliver imitation. (of her style):

To My Student Sitting in the First Row:

If the future of America
rests upon you,
lets just say I’m worried;
you make me
believe people
can’t change
can’t soften
and for that I can
scarcely look at you.
I stand;
I tell you of beautiful things:
Martin Jr.’s Dream,
Frost’s less traveled road,
Harper’s defense of the weak,
but I feel your icy breath
stinging my words
drowning their meaning
as you mutter contradictions,
arguments, war.
You sit there
brooding, shoulders stiff
eyes cold, heart deaf,
mind impenetrable
like a fortress.
I am ashamed to admit
you move me somehow…
to restlessness
to anger
because when I go home,
I’ll think about you:
my loftiness broken,
doubts encircling,
mind wondering
if tomorrow
could bring
something different
something stronger
something renewed.

An English Teacher’s Hope

I show you poetry:
words of wonder, and wish
so that maybe you
will recognize beauty:
I read you Frost,
bringing you the birches,
where you can climb
“toward heaven til the tree
can bear no more.”
I read you Keats so you can be
“among the river sallows, borne aloft,”
“a close-bosom friend
of the maturing sun.”

I show you what is ugly
in the words and lines
so that maybe you
will need change:
I read you Langston,
so you can understand--
“I am the darker brother
they send me to eat in the kitchen,
But I laugh
And eat well
And grow strong.”
I read you Blake
so you can hear
“every cry of every Man,
In every Infants cry fear.”

I show you what love is
in the imagery and rhymes
so that maybe you
will believe in love:
I read you Elizabeth
so you can feel one who loves
“to depth and breadth and height”
one who “loves freely, purely.”
I read you Wilcox
so that maybe you
will remember, “love much.
Earth has enough bitter in it. No heart
so hard, but love at last may win it.
Love is the great primeaval cause of man.”

This next one is a Pantoum, which means
that specific lines have to repeated in very
specific places....

Your Love

Your love raises the sun anew.
I don’t ask, but you go with me,
for if we are together, happiness revives;
even a foreign place is home.

I don’t ask, but you go with me;
I am Naomi, and you, my Ruth.
Even a foreign place is home
where we survive, abide, provide.

I am Naomi, and you, my Ruth.
You follow me to joy or mourning
where we survive, abide, provide.
You, like a star, wane my darkness.

You follow me to joy or mourning,
for if we are together, happiness revives.
You, like a star, wane my darkness.
Your love raises the sun anew.

Thanksgiving 2009

Confession:

Thanksgiving usually passes by and I am not THAT thankful.

I am usually about as thankful on Thanksgiving as I have been
the rest of the year--which generally consists of an average dose
of gratutide and a lot of taking things for granted.

But this past year was different than most years. I did not plod
along like my usual happy-go-lucky, eternally optimistic self.

This past year was difficult..up until the end of this past summer.

But now, I can actually say that I am happy.

And yes--it is partially because I live in the beautiful city
of Chicago with some great friends/family. Not to mention
I have always been a little nerdy and love school...

but that is not really why.
I am thankful because I am different this year.

Last year and partially noted by some of my blog entires,
I went through some tumultuous decisions and events.

Looking back, I think I tried to listen to God,
and I had my moments, but in reality, I don't think I did it very well.

I was in consistent storms of the unknown, the hurtful,
and the lack of direction or true comfort--and to be honest,
I can't remember a lower spiritual time in my life.

I just didn't believe in God's goodness towards me at all times--
and I became overwhelmed with my belief
in His disappointment in me. And my circumstances surrounding
these thoughts only deepened the difficulty.
It's not that I didn't know, intellectually, about God's goodness.
I just couldn't seem to really believe it in my heart.

But instead of making it right, I chose to distance myself.
And then when I would cry out for comfort,
in only the truly heinous moments,
I felt God's silence.
And it made me angry.

I can still remember one night when I was alone
in my apartment, and I was praying in bed--sort of.
Before i knew it--it turned into anger, and I started
shouting (literally) at God and crying.

And He let me.
But I still felt His silence.

I am glad I am not in that place anymore,
but I can honestly say that I am glad I was in that place.

I think that it is so true that without darkness,
we cannot understand light.

I am thankful because after my searching and all that anger,
God STILL showed up in my life.
He spoke to me in powerful, clear ways
when the timing was right and when I was ready to listen.

He spoke to me in ways that I could never even explain in this blog.
He set me free from the burden of my brokenness.
He showered His love upon me at the time when I
"least deserved it."

And I know Him better now.
I understand His love more.
And I am more joyful for it.
And I think I can love others better because of it.

And thats why I am thankful this year...

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are."

Bryan: Voted Most Popular

So, out of complete boredom one night I went on the
most popular names website. Quite informative, really.
It gives you the top 1000 most popular names from
2000-2008.

So, family, here we are--in the order of coolness:

1. Bryan--rank: 82~you must be a classic. You have barely
decreased in popularity from 2000 (from 70), which is no
small feat, especially when you see some of the others.

2. Michelle--rank : 103. You are Bryan's fiercest competitor,
yet come up short. (this is not a joke about your height) :)
You, however, have decreased from 52, and are becoming
more uncool at a faster rate than Bryan. In the end though,
second place is more than respectable.

3. Corey--rank: 289. Not completely embarrassing--really quite
solid. However, you are depreciating in coolness
similarly to Michelle. But since you are younger, you
will be way less cool than her at her age. statistically
speaking, of course.

4. Arthur--rank: 386. This is the shocker!! I mean, seriously, has
anyone heard of someone naming their kid Arthur
recently? Because apparently, a lot of people are. :)
And "Tom" doesn't even make the list, sadly. But dad--
your name is surprisingly MUCH cooler than mine.

5. Kristin--rank: 883. Thats just embarrassing. My only defense is
that "Kristen" with an e still ranks at 492, but lets
be honest, thats still not even remotely cool. I also
was wayyyy cooler in 2000. (rank 301) yikes.

6. Terri---rank: unknown. Sadly, dear mother, you are off the
coolness chart, but I am sure you are....1001--
I am sure of it!

Poetry Woes

In my writing poetry class, I have written 9 poems
so far that have had to be turned in.

Of the nine poems, only one could be considered
light-hearted, happy, or humorous.

Another one could maybe be considered humorous,
but probably not light-hearted.

That means that 77.7% of my major poems
so far have been about....sad things.
sad situations, or people...
some personal, some fictional.

But seriously....I think I am beginning to understand
the stereotype of poets wearing all black.

And as far as my non-poem life goes....

I generally feel pretty great about it.