Ah Sentiment

When I allow myself, I can be entirely sentimental.

But lately--I have attempted to be...callous and apathetic
about all the changes and difficulties.

I have tried to "let everything roll of my shoulder."

I have told myself that "I don't care."

I am forging ahead!

I am strong and impenetrable!

Ah, the lies I tell myself....

My world has been chaotic lately--
Bible studies, church softball,
soccer, a million papers to grade, lessons to plan,
friends and family,
books to read, errands to run, things to plan,
and the list....goes on.

I have thrown myself into a world where I can give myself
permission to be callous.

I haven't stopped lately to think.
I haven't allowed myself to be
emotional or sad or reflective.

I just live.

In the busiest way possible.
In the name of productivity and accomplishment.

Tonight--I read the names off for the seniors at graduation.
I was a little nervous, but as usual, once I got going--
it went fine.
And my nerves dissipated.

But tonight, as a I watched all these students I love walk by--
it was then that it hit me....

I am not coming back next year.
I am not going to be their teacher.
I am not going to get hugs or
take pictures with them at the end of the year.

And for the first time in awhile--I got sentimental.

I am going to miss it.

Who would have ever thought we would end up at the same prom?

Me=teacher/chaperone.

Little Brother=attendee.

Good thing we get along.

Because this could have been just...awkward. :)

Was It Worth It?

Yesterday, my mom's side of the family went to my
grandma and grandpa Klimp's house,
for a typically delicious meal and to celebrate Mother's Day.

After a little while of peace and serenity,
it was discovered that my two little cousins,
Jameson and Elena,
may have caused a little....mischief.

To the chagrin of my Aunt and Uncle,
Jameson and Elena thought it would be funny
to spread the entire contents of the paper shredder
on the den floor.

Picture a massive New Year's Eve party with bouts of confetti
waiting to be picked up.

The floor in the den....looked like...a hurricane of paper.
Something almost swimable.
(slight exaggeration perhaps.)

Uhh....Happy Mother's Day Grandma?
Do you see all the nice confetti
we dumped on the floor for you?

Oh boyy.

Ha--good thing my grandma has such a wonderful
sense of humor.

After this discovery,
Jameson and Elena were trapped in the den
until they cleaned up every last shred.

I said to them, "see ya in two hours" as a joke,
but I am pretty sure they were in there
for at least one full hour.

Near the end of it all--I walked it and asked them the fundamental life question,

So....was it worth it?

Was an hour of clean up worth it--
for the ULTIMATE confetti party?

Jameson practically SHOUTED:

NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Followed by Elena piping in:

noooooooo wayyyyyyyy.

Well....lesson learned.

I never really thought about this as the
fundamental life question, but I think that it is.

A lot of negative things in life happen,
but what makes it okay--what can even give us joy--
is if it's worth it.

My life questions:

Is all the paper grading worth teaching?
Yes.

Are the bad days of work worth it for the good days?
Yes.

Are the painful decisions I have made worth it?
Yes.

Is the cost of following Christ worth it?
Yes.

I feel blessed that God has brought me down paths
of difficulty, yet great reward.

Oh The Small Things

The boy in the fourth row, fourth seat back--spoke today.

Raised his hand...and spoke. In my Freshman English class.

This would not seem like a big deal--
but I have never heard him speak before.

In 13 weeks.

He has mumbled a few times, nodded his head, but never...spoken.

His eyes stare down at the floor from 10:50,
when class begins, until 11:40, when class ends...
every day.

I have barely been able to prod a word from him all semester.

Then today, I asked...
"does anyone know what an aristocrat is?"

And he RAISED his hand. Of course, I called on him,
in half shock and disbelief.

And he said...
"wealthy or noble people who are well-respected in society"
in an articulate and nonchalant way,
as if he answers questions like this all the time.

WHAT?!?! Where did this come from?

The other students jaws drop--completely astounded.
I hear them whispering...
"wow" and "I didn't even know that"
under their breaths.
One student even started to applaud him
because he was so surprised.

I know I didn't I have anything to do with this--but I am amazed.

It reminds me not to give up on people.

Small Victory.

Vulnerability

In high school, I did not take a single art class

because I thought it would bring down my GPA,
since I was kinda an academic perfectionist.

I was seriously terrified of exposing my inability
to be remotely artistic.

I still feel no differently about my artistic abilities--
I have just recently decided to care less if people
think my art is terrible....

This weekend--my friend, Rachael, got me a blank
canvas and paints for my birthday.

What?!

I don't do art
is what I thought.

But then I tried it--and figured it would be fun....

This is what I came up with--which it is quite abstract
because I know that trying to make anything overly concrete
would simply be ridiculous. And frustrating.

Simply titled: "Peace"

"Jesus got up and rebuked the wind and raging waters;
the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?"
He asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked
one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and
the water, and they obey Him."

--Luke 8:24-25

The painting itself...probably isn't the greatest...
but I tried!
And I just might have a new hobby. After all, it was therapuetic.

Yet, I wonder...
What in the world am I going to do with this thing?

I have absolutely no idea....

although there is a fireplace in my apartment I have never
used...mmm... :)

It was worth the fun though!

My Eternal Lesson

I am learning to

speak at God

less......

and

listen more.

Wow.

6 weeks.

122 papers.

36 essays.

18 portfolios.

80 different lessons.

67 exams.

IN SIX WEEKS.

Ah, the life of an English teacher.

To say the least, I feel a little overwhelmed...

But I am just trying to take it all in.

Remember it all.

Enjoy it all.

Because it will be...the last time.

For awhile.

And summer awaits.

And summer quickly approaches.

And I just don't want to miss this.