Deep Unto Deep

I have been reading this book by Dana Cadler. (the title)
and it has pushed me further in some of the main things
I have been learning lately. She says,

"The Lord does not despise our weakness as we so often imagine.
He is not caught off-guard by our frailty...He knows it fully and
embraces us in this place as He beckons us to continually lift our
weak voice and our weak gaze in prayer and communion with Him."

I think it's funny that I try to hid my weakness from God,
many times through avoidance or self-righteousness,
because I think that He is disappointed in it--but let's be honest,
He knows my weakness fully and it does not change
how He loves me. And to my relief, it never could.

"He calls it victory when we willingly lift our voice to Him
from the wilderness of our barrenness. This He calls noble."

"On the days when every accusation lurks over my head
and all the voices of condemnation join forces against me,
my weak heart OVERCOMES Him as I chose to believe what
presently seems an absurdity--that God is for me and that
my prayer, though weak, is wisdom. These are the days He
holds precious.

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed..." Jn, 20:29

I have come to the conclusion recently that because I have
been taught that I am nothing in comparison to God,
which is completely true, I have somehow interpreted this to mean
that I am such an inferior being that sometimes, or a lot times,
He looks at me with disappointment or maybe even anger.

But this is a lie.

Cadler states, "To know that each small choice matters and that
every tear holds significance with the heart of the Lamb of God
changes everything for us and enables us to give ourselves
unreservedly to the journey of our heart."

If I know that God's love is so deep--that He never looks upon
me with disappointment, that he sees blamelessness in me through
Christ, that He counts weakness in prayer as noble, and that often
what I think is barren or unfruitful prayer he counts as precious....
is so powerful.

She says that even in the moments that when we can't feel God
in prayer, when we do not feel Him close to us, when prayer
and communion with him is hard and not a deep desire, this
is her prayer:

"Write it down in our book, O God. Though it was so empty
and so dry, may it count in an eternal relevance I do not yet
comprehend. Write it down so that one day you might read to
me of its preciousness. Remember this day, though I know it
will blend into so many days just like it in my own memory.
Count it as valuable to the heart of God. And O God, give me
one grace, I pray. Give me the grace to give myself in prayer
once again tomorrow. To believe that it matters. To put my
heart before You though I feel so unproductive and unfruitful.
Give me the grace to spend tomorrow once more with You in love.
For I can think of no more noble way to spend a day than to
spend it with You, whether I feel your nearness or not. Give
me the grace for one more day.

To believe in God's love seems elementary to me, yet I realize
that I have not grasped it yet--and never will in entirety.
Yet beginning to grasp this truth more and more is giving
me such freedom! To believe in the goodness ahead of me,
to know that He is with me, rejoicing over me, and not
disappointed. To know that every feeling, tear,
prayer counts to Him, is valuable and precious to Him.

May I have the grace to believe the truth today and to live
a life of gratitude to the God who is overcome with love for
me--for us.

The Joy of Chicago

Things that have brought me joy thus far in Chicago:

One of the most breath-taking views is on my usual running
path--the city skyline on the right and Lake Michigan on my left.

My apartment is small, but more cozy and cute than cramped. :)

My roommate and I have come up with a motto if we are having
a bad day--in the words of Lady Gaga...
"Just Dance..It's going to be okay"
which we belt out as we dance around our apartment...
unashamed. ha.

There is a coffee shop on every corner.

I ponder how in the world people have Great Danes
and Labs as pets around here--
are they the ones living in the 3.4 million Brownstone?

Grad school is only a 5 minute walk away.

I live by some great friends and family members.

Part of my "job" as a student is to sit by the lake and write poetry.

There is always someone fascinating to walk by....

Downtown is oh so very close.

And right now, I have the time to talk it all in.

God is good.

Writing Poetry Class

My first week's poem: A Portrait Poem

The Pencil

His teenage giant stature somehow
fills the cubicle classroom where he sits.

Enthroned he silently commands his followers—
his classmates--with a simple smirk or a mouthed, foul word.

His eyes speak—I’m the King.
The King of influence. The King of cruelty.

His heart speaks of metal and jagged glass,
of pleas discarded; of Pharoah’s refusal.

The history teacher shouts of hope and change—
of equality, of Malcom X and Susan B

But his fingers say—you can’t teach me.
To believe or accept or sing praise

as his lined jaw faces the side window
and his pencil lays still on his desk.

East of Eden

East of Eden was the first book on my summer reading list.

It has been highly recommended to me by a few people--
not just one.

And as the former American Literature teacher--
this is a true American classic.

In short--it tells the story of human nature--
of evil and goodness.
And of the constant battle on earth between the two.

It says--

"All novels, all poetry,
are built upon the never-ending contest
in ourselves of good and evil.
And it occurs to me that evil must
constantly respawn,
while good, while virtue, is immortal."

East of Eden is symbolic of the story of Cain and Abel.

And what struck me more than anything in this book is it's
occasional pearl of wisdom, and even of Biblical truth.

Cain killed Abel. Everybody knows that.
He killed his own brother.
Who does that? Did Cain have no soul?

It always seemed that way to me.

After Cain displeased God with his gift
that was not the firstfruits,
God tells him something significant.
He tells him that he will be
accepted if he does what is right.

Some translations say that God tells Cain
not only that he will be accepted if he
does what is right, but also that

"thou shalt rule over him."

Or over sin--indicating that Cain
will have victory over sin.

A promise really. With no other options or choices.

Some translations say "Do thou rule over him."
This is a command from God and
not a promise.

This says RULE over sin, Cain.
Because God says so--just do it!

But in the end--Steinback discovers that
the Hebrew meaning is in the word timshel--which means...

Thou Mayest.

Cain--thou mayest rule over sin--
it is a choice.

And God--in this moment--speaks of what will come.
The constant battle between good and evil.
Because He gives us the chance to choose.

But Cain, Thou Mayest be free from sin.

Thou Mayest be close to God.

Thou Mayest please Him.

Thou Mayest find new life, free from guilt and shame.

And there, in the darkest of stories--
there is grace.

God does not condemn here, the "darkest of sins."

The "do you have a soul"? type sin. That we tend
to condemn.

And He does not condemn us, but allows us to live and
dwell in goodness and freedom.

And in these three words there is great hope.

Because...we always mayest....

Oh Fishy Fish

Bubbles II died today.

I let out a little AAHHH and jumped
when I saw Bubbles II
belly up
in her pretty little fish bowl.

I did not even kill her.

Maybe...she heard me talking about various plots to get rid of her.

Maybe...I didn't feed her enough, or I fed her too much.

Maybe...she just didn't LOVE living in a super cramped bowl by herself.

But needless to say--she is gone.

And I feel a little relieved--and perhaps a little heartless....

But mostly...relieved.

And I didn't even have to clean the bowl once!

Yesssss

Previously Stated:

122 papers.

36 essays.

18 portfolios.

80 different lessons.

67 examss...............
........................

DONE!!!!

Bubble Trouble

So.

Our first pet when we were kids was a goldfish named Bubbles.

It was the goldfish that would not die.

I got it for free at Meijer with a neighborhood friend.
My friend got six fish that all died by the next day.
Bubbles lived six years.
She was Superfish.

Actually, Bubbles could possibly still be alive...
if my mom wouldn't have killed her.

There was a rank smell in the kitchen and
she was convinced that the
culprit was the poor, helpless goldfish.

So, she told us that she would "set it free"
in the Creek in our backyard.

Later in life, I realized that "setting it free" was more like....

MURDER.

I told this story during my Advanced Composition
class while my Principal was observing me.

My Principal thought it was really funny.

So tonight--when I went to the end-of-the-year faculty party,
I received a wonderful gift.

30 dollars to Barnes and Noble!! AND.....

What?!?!

Yes, A GOLDFISH.

According to my principal,
(and this was the story she told the entire faculty)

my mom flushed Bubbles down the toilet and then
told us that it died of natural causes.

According to my principal,
I said I wanted another goldfish.

She was wrong in every aspect.

But I smiled, and acted surprised,
like any polite person would.

And now...I have this goldfish.
Staring at me.

And this so called "goldfish"...is not even gold.
It's brown!

And the truth is...

I DON'T WANT IT!!!

What am I supposed to do with this thing?

Can I take it back?

AAAHHHHHHH.

Any takers...for Bubbles II? :)

Oh my life makes me laugh.