Thanksgiving 2009

Confession:

Thanksgiving usually passes by and I am not THAT thankful.

I am usually about as thankful on Thanksgiving as I have been
the rest of the year--which generally consists of an average dose
of gratutide and a lot of taking things for granted.

But this past year was different than most years. I did not plod
along like my usual happy-go-lucky, eternally optimistic self.

This past year was difficult..up until the end of this past summer.

But now, I can actually say that I am happy.

And yes--it is partially because I live in the beautiful city
of Chicago with some great friends/family. Not to mention
I have always been a little nerdy and love school...

but that is not really why.
I am thankful because I am different this year.

Last year and partially noted by some of my blog entires,
I went through some tumultuous decisions and events.

Looking back, I think I tried to listen to God,
and I had my moments, but in reality, I don't think I did it very well.

I was in consistent storms of the unknown, the hurtful,
and the lack of direction or true comfort--and to be honest,
I can't remember a lower spiritual time in my life.

I just didn't believe in God's goodness towards me at all times--
and I became overwhelmed with my belief
in His disappointment in me. And my circumstances surrounding
these thoughts only deepened the difficulty.
It's not that I didn't know, intellectually, about God's goodness.
I just couldn't seem to really believe it in my heart.

But instead of making it right, I chose to distance myself.
And then when I would cry out for comfort,
in only the truly heinous moments,
I felt God's silence.
And it made me angry.

I can still remember one night when I was alone
in my apartment, and I was praying in bed--sort of.
Before i knew it--it turned into anger, and I started
shouting (literally) at God and crying.

And He let me.
But I still felt His silence.

I am glad I am not in that place anymore,
but I can honestly say that I am glad I was in that place.

I think that it is so true that without darkness,
we cannot understand light.

I am thankful because after my searching and all that anger,
God STILL showed up in my life.
He spoke to me in powerful, clear ways
when the timing was right and when I was ready to listen.

He spoke to me in ways that I could never even explain in this blog.
He set me free from the burden of my brokenness.
He showered His love upon me at the time when I
"least deserved it."

And I know Him better now.
I understand His love more.
And I am more joyful for it.
And I think I can love others better because of it.

And thats why I am thankful this year...

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are."